Satire
Murder (not) on Fifth Avenue
by David Benjamin “Well, when the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.” — Richard Milhous Nixon NEW YORK CITY — Car 54 came to a screeching halt in the 700 block of Fifth Avenue. Officers Francis Muldoon and Gunther Toody leapt from their cruiser, drew their weapons and cautiously approached a…
Read MoreThe ophiocordyceps presidency
The ophiocordyceps presidency By David Benjamin “I don’t want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.” — Grover Norquist MADISON, Wis. — Ever since I was an unwashed urchin turning over wet rocks next to the…
Read MoreHow Little Donny ended up in military school
How Little Donny ended up in military school By David Benjamin “Alabama will NOT see any impacts from #Dorian. We repeat, no impacts from Hurricane #Dorian will be felt across Alabama. The system will remain too far east.” — Anonymous official, National Weather Service, Birmingham QUEENS, ca. 1955 — All the kids in Mrs. Otterbein’s…
Read MoreThe Big Orange: Number 7 with a bullet
The Big Orange: Number 7 with a bullet By David Benjamin MADISON, Wis. — A new index is effectively making more coherent the wave of repressive and reactionary “populism” that has emerged in the last decade on every continent. Compiled by the International Council on Political and Ideological Measurement (ICPIM), based in Bern, Switzerland, this…
Read MoreWhat do you see on the insides of your eyelids?
What do you see on the insides of your eyelids? By David Benjamin PARIS — Perhaps the most felicitous happenstance in my return here last week was an encounter with Dr. Patrick Keeffe, Ph.D., MBOE, LSMFT, who told me over frog legs at a sprawling brasserie near the Gare du Nord, about his groundbreaking research…
Read MoreOur bodies, in deed
Our bodies, in deed By David Benjamin “Once you shift the focus of the abortion from the unborn fetus to the full-grown woman, and once you shift attention from the realm of safe medical procedures in a sterile environment to a last-ditch effort to save the life of a mangled mother, the anti-abortionists lose interest.…
Read MoreThe poker game: A fable
The poker game: A fable By David Benjamin “Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.” — Nelson Algren DEADWOOD — The game was so big that the man called Doc was sitting in, elbow-to-elbow with…
Read MoreMick and Goofy put on a show
Mick and Goofy put on a show By David Benjamin “Mickey’s a mouse. Donald’s a duck. Pluto’s a dog. What’s Goofy?” — Gordy Lachance (Wil Wheaton), in Stand By Me MICK: You look a little pale and woebegone, sir. Perhaps an hour or two on the tanning bed will perk you up. Now, where did…
Read MoreCaravan of the living dead
The caravan of the living dead by David Benjamin “This is the part in the movie where that guy says, “Zombies? What zombies?” just before they eat his brains. I don’t want to be that guy.” — Holly Black (Two senior staffers overheard in a White House toilet.) STEVE: (Indicating a video on his phone)…
Read MorePorn Star Tryst Sends President Packing
Porn Star Tryst Sends President Packing by David Benjamin PARIS — It’s been oft speculated that any one of Donald Trump’s myriad outrages. committed by any other American political figure, would leave that person so profoundly disgraced that he would live out the rest of his shattered existence as a social pariah and global laughingstock.…
Read More