Porn Star Tryst Sends President Packing

Porn Star Tryst Sends President Packing
by David Benjamin

PARIS — It’s been oft speculated that any one of Donald Trump’s myriad outrages. committed by any other American political figure, would leave that person so profoundly disgraced that he would live out the rest of his shattered existence as a social pariah and global laughingstock. Below is a modest example of this proposition.

WASHINGTON D.C. — The President has been forced out of the White House, by the First Lady, after revelations that he cheated on her with a prominent adult film star.

Leaders in the President’s own party have joined a chorus of scandalized Congressmen and Senators calling for harsh sanctions against the commander in chief, with impeachment foremost among the options discussed in official circles.

The maelstrom of recriminations began when the President’s personal lawyer, a shady New York “fixer” named Michael Cohen, revealed that he had paid $130,000 to Stephanie Clifford, better known in the hardcore pornography world as Stormy Daniels, to cover up a one-night sexual encounter — including a graphic spanking episode — with President Barack Obama.

The repercussions of the Cohen revelations have been swift and — for a political figure long admired for his constancy, decency and apparent devotion to home and family — devastating.

First Lady Michelle Obama, unlike her Democratic predecessor Hillary Clinton, who showed exceptional tolerance for the romantic escapades of her husband, President Bill Clinton, acted decisively in banishing her two-timing spouse from the White House’s East Wing residence.

“Barack made a sacred vow,” said the First Lady, “to me, to his children, to America. In taking up with this blonde floozy, he has destroyed everyone’s faith in him. He can never regain our trust.”

The most immediate consequence of the rift in the First Family has been Obama’s sudden departure. “This is my home,” said Mrs. Obama. “I did nothing wrong. I’m staying here, with my daughters. He’s the one who has to go.”

The Secret Service had the unusual duty Friday of gathering the President’s clothes from the White House grounds, where Mrs. Obama had heaved them through an upstairs window.

Seeking quarters near the White House, where he still has to report every day for work, President Obama has taken a room at the nearby Trump International Hotel. The ironies of this choice are many. Not only is the hotel’s proprietor, Donald Trump, the promoter of Obama as an illegitimate president not born in the United States — a claim resoundingly disproven by public records — but he is renowned as a serial philanderer and sexual predator who treats his own wife, ex-model Melania Trump, more as a prop than a partner.

From his private resort in Florida, Mar-a-Lago, where he is entertaining former Playmate of the Month Karen McDougal, Trump tweeted encouragement to the embattled President: “Welcome to the #Trump International Presidential Suite, #Barrack! Big room-rate discount for you. 1st #Trump Taco Bowl is on the house. P.S. Knew you couldn’t last in White House, Sambo!”

More ominously for Obama are a wave of statements on Capitol Hill that echo the rage and denunciation expressed by the estranged First Lady. Foremost among the Obama critics is Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), who said, “Who would imagine that the name of the president of the United States would appear in the same sentence as the term ‘porn star’? Barack Obama has reduced forever the office of President of the United States to the level of a drunken sailor on leave prowling the streets for a ten-dollar blowjob.”

Joining into the uproar of anger and embarrassment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) convened a press conference to announce, “Should the House of Representatives respond to this obscene and egregious assault on human decency by bringing a bill of impeachment against Barack Hussein Obama, I believe I can put together a bipartisan coalition to convict, and to swiftly purge this dark stain from the American escutcheon.”

Minority leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) tacitly endorsed the McConnell threat by noting that “this sort of behavior does serious damage to the Democratic Party’s values and viability. We cannot stand by while one man smears an entire party with his lack of impulse control and terrible taste in women. The Democratic Party is better than this!”

Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex.) made repeated lurid reference to an interview in InTouch Weekly with Ms. Clifford, in which she described, in excruciating detail, her sexual tryst with an awkward but amorous Obama. At one point, she said, the President begged her to spank his “bare bottom” with a copy of Boys Life magazine that had his photo on the cover. “I thought it was sort of dopey,” she added, “but, you know, different strokes.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D- Cal.) might have hammered the decisive nail in Obama’s coffin when she told reporters, “This presidency has been irretrievably compromised, not just because the president’s sex life has intruded upon his responsibilities as leader of the free world, but because — quite simply — the American people should never be aware that the president even has a sex life. When a person takes up the most important public office in the world, his ego, his appetites and his personal peccadilloes must cease to exist. If he cannot put his petty needs aside and keep his pee-wee in his pants, he is not fit to lead the most important nation ever conceived.”

Ms. Pelosi’s remarks were echoed by several women leaders overseas, including German Chancellor Angela Merkel and British Prime Minister Theresa May. However, Obama did receive a surprising note of support from another foreign chief of state.

Russian President Vladimir Putin, a bitter Obama antagonist throughout his term in the White House, changed his tune dramatically, saying, “What a man!”

Added Putin, “Stormy Daniels? Hubba hubba! I have all her movies. She’s smokin’ hot. My hat is off to my buddy Barack, and I’m hoping for an introduction.”

Obama has been unavailable for comment since his ouster from the White House residence. Sources close to the President, however, indicate that he has expressed regret and remorse for his “moment of weakness.” The consensus around Washington is that — with the more than able Vice President Joe Biden ready to step in — the Obama era is circling the drain.

Indeed, insiders say that Obama’s sole interest is in restoring contact with his daughters. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one highly-place source predicted Obama’s resignation and said, “He’s a broken man. Overnight, he went from hero to clown, reduced to little more than a smutty punchline for every jokester in the world. Sad.”