Posts by David Benjamin
President in absentia, ave atque vale!
by David Benjamin WASHINGTON, D.C., 6 January 2027—In the breathtaking first act by the 120th Congress, the House of Representatives agreed by acclamation to a binding resolution—offered by the new Democratic majority—that the 2020 presidential election was fraudulently decided in favor of Joe Biden. The stunning implication of this vote was that Biden had served…
Read MoreWomen, dropping like flies
by David Benjamin “All your words are but to say: you are a woman, and your part is in the house. But when the men have died in battle and honour, you have leave to be burned in the house, for the men will need it no more.” ―J.R.R. Tolkien MADISON, Wis.—Admittedly, I watch too…
Read MoreRocketsmoke
by David Benjamin “You still don’t understand what you’re dealing with, do you? The perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.” —Ash (Ian Holm), Alien MADISON, Wis.—When I was in high school, writing stories for an underground literary magazine called The Id, I took a stab at science fiction. The resulting…
Read MoreThe big Red rug
by David Benjamin “I like Chinese “I like Chinese “They only come up to your knees “Yet they’re always friendly, and they’re ready to please …” — Monty Python MADISON, Wis.—Somewhere in the Kunlun mountains that roughly divide China proper from its puppet state of Tibet lies the imaginary paradise of Shangri-La, where life is…
Read MoreEvery GI needs a potato peeler
by David Benjamin “Mothers of River City!/ Heed that warning before it’s too late!/ Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption!/ The minute your son leaves the house/ Does he re-buckle his knickerbockers below the knee?/ Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?/ A dime novel hidden in the corn crib?/ Is he…
Read MoreAn offer he can’t refuse
by David Benjamin “Scenes We’d Like to See” — MAD magazine [Lights. Camera, Action] A gloomy brain trust is gathered in the Oval Office. Steve and Natalie hover near the Resolute desk, where the president is slumped in his easy chair, taking a power nap. “The Democrats are due any minute. We need a plan,…
Read MoreChildren of the damnable
by David Benjamin “All parental rights are reserved to the parent of a minor child in this state without obstruction or interference from the state, any of its political subdivisions, any other governmental entity, or any other institution …” —Section 3, Parents Bill of Rights, Parental Rights Foundation MAYBERRY—Andy Taylor, Chairman of the School Board,…
Read MoreAbolish ICE? Nein nein, mein freund!
by David Benjamin “People sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.” — Kristi Noem MADISON, Wis.—Okay, so you’re watching a re-run of the peerless Jerry Orbach in “Law and Order,” or soaking up Mark Harmon’s neo-Joe Friday shtick in “NCIS.” The trusty good…
Read MoreDolly would …
by David Benjamin “You can either be Southern or you can be smart and successful.” — Landon Bryant MADISON, Wis.—Perhaps incongruously, as I navigate the waves of eulogies to the wondrous Dolly Parton, I think of the film, A Time to Kill. In the climactic scene, in the trial of a black man who shot…
Read MoreThe Devil and Miss Josie
by David Benjamin MADISON, Wis.—John Milton loved the Devil. In literary history, Milton was the most pious and passionate of Christian poets, a devout believer and a pillar of the Church. But he was simultaneously a complicated intellectual with boundless curiosity and a devotion to artistic rigor. For Milton, it would have been illegitimate to…
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