Satire

by David Benjamin “The arctic trails have their secret tales that would make your blood run cold…” — Robert Service MADISON, Wis. — Although systematically hushed up by the mainstream media, there are signs that the Wisconsin tradition of setting surplus children out in the snow in the dead of winter to be eaten by…

by David Benjamin  “Unlike ‘Groundhog Day,’ which was funny, this isn’t funny at all” — David Fink, attorney for the City of Detroit THE WHITE HOUSE, 20 January 2021 — When the President and his wife tried to enter the Oval Office, the door would not open. It seemed to be obstructed from inside. After…

by David Benjamin (ISSUED FROM THE OVAL OFFICE AND SIGNED ON 4 SEPTEMBER 2020) By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution, the laws of the United States of America and the universal consensus that I alone can fix the horror left behind by the Kenyan usurper, and to protect the Nation…

by David Benjamin OVAL OFFICE — (A group of aides around POTUS, all quaking in their wingtips. The papers they hold in their trembling hands make a gentle rustling sound, like dead leaves in a wasteland.)  AIDE #1: “Your Eminence, there’s bad news.” POTUS: “Bad news? I hate bad news. Who the hell are you?…

by David Benjamin “The president does read… The president is the most informed person on planet Earth…”  — Presidential press secretary Kayleigh McEnaney MADISON, Ws. — Among the lesser noticed Top Secret documents that leaked — well, it was more of a flood — from highly placed but fearfully anonymous sources in Washington in the…

by David Benjamin “… Antifa, short for anti-fascists, hasn’t killed anyone and appears to have been only a marginal presence in Black Lives Matter protests. None of those arrested on serious federal charges related to the unrest have been linked to antifa…”  — Nicholas Kristof, N.Y. Times “We have to find one, Your Majesty.” It’s…

by David Benjamin “I can’t believe I have to say this. But please don’t drink bleach.”  — Joe Biden MADISON, Wis. — I can’t believe I’m saying this but Joe Biden, bless his heart, must be wrong. After all, the White House’s crack medical team — led by Jared “Doc” Kushner and his faithful sidekick…

by David Benjamin “By April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.”  — Trump MADISON, Wis. — Yo, Big Don. I hope you don’t mind me calling you that, But hey, it fits. I mean, big? You’re larger than life, yo. And you are the Don! So, anyhow,…

by David Benjamin “No one reached out to me and said, ‘As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?’ If that’s the exchange, I’m all in.”  — Texas Lieutenant Gov. Daniel Patrick WASHINGTON, D.C.…

by David Benjamin “Now the Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus. Coronavirus. They’re politicizing it. And this is their new hoax.”  — Donald Trump WASHINGTON, 4 November 2020 — In the wake of President Donald Trump’s crushing defeat yesterday, pundits and analysts are speculating cautiously that Trump’s “base” of rabidly loyal followers might been been decisively…