The Alibi Sheet

by David Benjamin

“The president does read… The president is the most informed person on planet Earth…” 

— Presidential press secretary Kayleigh McEnaney

MADISON, Ws. — Among the lesser noticed Top Secret documents that leaked — well, it was more of a flood — from highly placed but fearfully anonymous sources in Washington in the past week was an odd memo, dating back to the post-election transition in late 2016, titled simply “The Alibi Sheet.”

Based on intimate knowledge of the then president-elect by his closest advisors, but left unsigned, this list of what can only be characterized as official excuses for malfeasance, misbehavior, incompetence, vulgarity, bigotry and plain old creepiness is a chillingly vivid foreshadowing of the nation’s nightmare.

The pronoun “He” in the following text presumably refers to Donald Trump, but the sources responsible for exposing The Alibi Sheet were reluctant to name names or even step momentarily out of the shadows in the parking garage. 

“Alibi #1: Who knew!

“This is his first line of defense. He minces gracefully away from the podium and spreads his little hands wide, palms forward. Gravely but generously, he informs the world that an item of knowledge that has just come to his attention (example: Finland is not part of Russia) was previously unknown by anyone on earth. This excuse not only exonerates his personal ignorance but glorifies him as a pioneer in the great human quest for discovery, enlightenment, cool new stuff and the edification of his most beloved and loyal demographic, the ‘poorly educated.’

“Alibi #2: Who, me?

“This excuse will apply in the case of an item of knowledge, law, legislation, literature, art, culture, politics, diplomacy, Scripture, public health, common courtesy, human decency, etc., that is universally understood and accepted by regular people, but overlooked or openly disdained by him, thus resulting in controversy (example: empathy for the widow of a decorated combat veteran). He will cross his arms and lean forward across a vast polished table and express dismay that anyone would accuse him of either ignorance or contempt in this unfortunate instance. He must not say, “I didn’t know,” which would be a sign of weakness. Preferably he will not admit that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass. Rather, he will simply declare, as he uncrosses his arms and opens his little hands, palms outward, that the offense was not his. Even if there is video and audio of his heartless indifference to civilized norms, he will insist that this was not he. He didn’t do it. Someone might have done it (here he’s free to offer alternative perps such as Hillary Clinton, Jeff Sessions, Colonel Vindman), but it was not him. He is not responsible!

Millions will believe.

“Alibi #3: Who says?

“Should proof of any unseemly action on his part prove impervious to Alibi #2, he will take up this rhetorical blunderbuss and fire both barrels directly at the messenger of this accurate and incriminating information, naming said messenger and adding an appropriate pejorative (“scumbag,” “lowlife,” etc.). He will reveal that his accuser belongs to a vast cabal (key terms: “deep state,” “lamestream media,” “do-nothing Democrats”) bent on his personal destruction and the obliteration of the “real America.” He will strike a pose, ideally from his seat behind the Resolute desk, holding up his little hands, palms outward, that amplifies his hurt feelings and complete innocence. But he will swiftly segue into a firm-jawed attitude of outrage, suggesting — or saying outright — that this slander must be investigated and its source exposed as an embittered and meretricious conspirator against him and all his believers. Ideally, he won’t be required to pronounce “meretricious.”

“Alibi #4: Oh yeah?

“On those occasions when he has failed to discredit the messenger, he will descend, with full and righteous wrath on the message itself. He will stand tall at the podium, hundreds of followers arrayed behind him in serried ranks, ball his little hands into a fist and bellow, “Oh yeah?” Joyful screams and adoring hosannas will rise up deafeningly. He will say, with breathtaking conviction, at the top of his lungs, that some assertion— attributed to him and universally known to be false — is absolutely true! He will say it again, louder. The cheers will also be louder and they will resonate with hatred for his enemies and love, love, love for him. Hearing himself, hearing the adulation of his throngs as they hear him, he will hear the truth. He will be lying, but — by the power of his insistence and the fury of his faithful, his lie will become gospel wherever he stands, wherever he goes, and whenever he utters it. 

“Alibi #5: So what?

“When it comes to pass, God forbid, that his misbehavior and mendacity become so nakedly obvious that even a besotted sycophant might entertain a doubt about his divinity, he can resort, boldly and bravely, to admitting the truth and declaring that the truth simply — “Face it, you dumbasses!” — does not matter. He will swagger across the stage, glowing tangerine-flaky beneath the klieg lights. He will form circles with the thumb and forefinger of each little pink hand and explain to his credulous masses and to his vast Fox News audience in the real America, that he did it. On purpose, he did whatever the lesbian Rachel Maddow and the failing New York Times accused him of doing. Sold his soul to Vladimir Putin. Blackmailed the president of Ukraine. Cheated on his third wife… and second wife… and first wife. Never had bone spurs. Slept with Roy Cohn. Ate a bug. Etcetera. He will shout — proudly — that he did it all for America, because he knows what’s best for himself. He knows what makes him feel good, feel strong, feel powerful, and when he feels good, strong and powerful, then all America — “It’s like a miracle!” — feels, and becomes, more good, more strong, more powerful than the world has ever seen.

The crowd, of course, will go wild. Ideally, wild enough to charge the press bullpen and kill a reporter.