Children of the damnable

by David Benjamin

“All parental rights are reserved to the parent of a minor child in this state without obstruction or interference from the state, any of its political subdivisions, any other governmental entity, or any other institution …” —Section 3, Parents Bill of Rights, Parental Rights Foundation

MAYBERRY—Andy Taylor, Chairman of the School Board, gaveled the meeting to order and said, “By golly, I think we’ve done it. When we first read the 120 pages of grievances filed by the Moms and Dads Vigilance Committee, we weren’t sure we could get those well-meaning folks out of our hair. But thanks to the creativity of my son, Opie, who has to go to school with these people’s kids, I’m proud to announce that we’ve re-purposed the old post-office building tp satisfy these folks. Beginning next semester, the Mayberry Meddling Parents Academy—MEPAC, for short—will be a public school dedicated to meeting the outspoken needs of parents desperate to find meaning in life by interfering constantly in the lives of their children, as well as trying to micromanage everything and everyone who has contact with their kids.”

Taylor explained the Board’s reasoning. “In normal schools, where you have a few troublesome kids who disrupt all the other students, you eventually have to expel them. We’ve realized that the same principle applies to a small but obstreperous minority of troublesome parents who keep horning in on their children’s education and disrupting learning for every other kid in the school. We can’t expel these folks’ children, who tend to be either spoiled or blameless. So, our solution, thanks to Opie, is to ‘expel” their moms and dads, by moving the kids en masse into a whole separate school that can be run according to all the complaints registered by our local platoon of pathological buttinskies.”

Chairman Taylor turned and called on the Board’s secretary. “Aunt Bea,” he said. “will you read the Code of Conduct for the Meddling Parents Academy?”
“Well, of course, Andy,” said Aunt Bea, “but this is a long list. So you folks just sit back and put your feet up.”

She went on for more than an hour reading rules by their numbers, with these highlights.

1) Each parent is allowed to design the student’s curriculum, rejecting or modifying any subject, reviewing daily lesson plans and ordering revisions by teachers. Parents will have the prerogative to dismiss a teacher from a course or to summarily fire an offending teacher. The definition of an “offense” will be entirely decided by the offended parent. A teacher deemed offensive by six or more parents will not only be fired, but will be hounded out of town by a torch-bearing mob composed of MEPAC students, their parents and anyone else who wants to join in…

3) The school’s governing body will be the Parental Spite Committee, composed of the three parents deemed most overbearing and vindictive by the principal, a figurehead who will be otherwise powerless.

4) All grades below “A-plus” will be subject to a storm of criticism and then revised upward. The offending teacher will be charged with the attempted rape of the student’s self-esteem and will be placed on indefinite leave, without pay, until said teacher “gets her (or his) mind right.” In keeping with this principle, all students will be on the Honor Roll. Every graduate will be the valedictorian …

7) At their convenience, all parents will be in touch by mobile phone with their children, assuring themselves of the kids’ wellbeing but also surveilling teacher conduct, monitoring the difficulty of classwork, catching up on the student’s social life, sharing videos, helping to decide between the meat loaf and pizza at lunch …

8) Parents will be empowered to review, for potential removal, for any reason, all books in the school library, classrooms and in teachers’ personal effects. Parents will not be required to have read or understood any of the suspect books. Rumor, innuendo, word of mouth, prejudice, priggishness and self-righteousness will serve sufficiently as criteria for a book’s banishment. Book burnings, however, will be more closely regulated, allowed only at the end of each semester and after the Homecoming game.

11) Any parent will be allowed to criticize any decision by a coach, and can order any player who has been taken out of the game to be put right back in, goddammit. Any parent will likewise be welcome to charge onto the field or court to berate game officials and to demand the offending ref’s immediate expulsion. Any such request will be referred, on the spot, for adjudication by the Parental Spite Committee. The ref will always lose. In keeping with this principle, every girl will be a cheerleader and every boy will be the quarterback. Performance enhancing drugs, as long as provided by parents, are okay. Schools unwilling to comply with these sporting ideals will not be allowed to compete against the Mayberry Meddling Parents Academy.

12) Christianity will be mandatory. The Ten Commandments will be displayed in every classroom and etched onto every locker. Parents will be encouraged to lead their kids in prayer, by phone or in person, several times a day. All other activities will stop while students are praying to Jesus.

13) The Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag will be mandatory before each class and each lunch period. Every student will wear an armband bearing the image of the Flag. Students with Flag tattoos will get extra credit …

16) Parents who don’t want their children to associate with the spawn of “other” races, or with children who speak a language other than English, or who might not be heterosexual when they grow up or just look sort of “swishy” already, or with kids who have unsightly disabilities or a speech impediment or developmental lag, or who receive any sort of public assistance including free lunch, will be accommodated …

18) For protection from fellow students, and for the sake of the Constitution, all parents will be urged to send their kids to school bearing arms. Body armor and hand grenades will be optional …

22) Parents fearful of inoculations for measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis, polio, the various poxes, HPV, rotavirus, hepatitis, Covid-19—or suspicious of any vaccine that might turn a little boy or girl into an autistic zombie—will probably be unanimous. So, per order of the Mayberry Board of Health, the Meddling Parents Academy will be fenced and placed on permanent quarantine, while children in other schools are cautioned to avoid any contact with MEPAC kids …

27) Any parents who grow weary of trying to use their children as symbols of their political, racial, medical, psychosexual and religious idiosyncrasies will be exempted immediately from MEPAC and its rules. Their children will be allowed to get their shots, read Judy Blume and resume their education in Mayberry’s regular public schools, with the stipulation that these parents must thenceforth, for God’s sake, leave the kids to fend for themselves and let the teachers do their job.