The Weekly Screed

Take the money and dribble

By David Benjamin | 06/27/2024 | Comments Off on Take the money and dribble

by David Benjamin   “We don’t go steady, ’cause it wouldn’t be right ”To leave your best girl home on a Saturday night.”    —The Beach Boys, “I Get Around”   MADISON, Wis.—Notwithstanding the moral clarity articulated in “I Get Around,” the Beach Boys are among the less appreciated ethical philosophers of the past millennium.…

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Suffer the children …

By David Benjamin | 06/21/2024 | Comments Off on Suffer the children …

by David Benjamin   “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ass …”   Exodus, 20:17   And so it came to pass that the Republicans of Louisiana decreed that all classrooms in each school of every parish shall array the graven precepts handed to Moses by the Lord and shlepped down from the mount to…

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The original Chucky

By David Benjamin | 06/14/2024 | Comments Off on The original Chucky

by David Benjamin   “Death’s gruesome face taunts:/ soulless eyes, crimson grimace. I really hate clowns.”  ― Katherine Applegate   MADISON, Wis.—Apparently, like its protagonist, the “Chucky” horror-film and TV franchise will never expire. I’ve just noticed promos for a new season of episodes featuring the further exploits of a homicidal boy doll who bears…

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John Ford’s mortal sin

By David Benjamin | 06/06/2024 | Comments Off on John Ford’s mortal sin

by David Benjamin   “The river was dyed with the blood of the slaughtered for two hundred yards. The approximate loss was upward of five hundred killed, but few of the officers escaping. My loss was about twenty killed. It is hoped that these facts will demonstrate to the Northern people that Negro soldiers cannot…

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The ravaging of Mr. Bartley

By David Benjamin | 05/31/2024 | Comments Off on The ravaging of Mr. Bartley

by David Benjamin   “Colorful demonstrations and weekend marches are vital but alone are not powerful enough to stop wars. Wars will be stopped only when soldiers refuse to fight, when workers refuse to load weapons onto ships and aircraft, when people boycott the economic outposts of Empire.”  ― Arundhati Roy   MADISON, Wis.—There was…

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My name is Sergeant Fozmerlude … I’m a floop.

By David Benjamin | 05/23/2024 | Comments Off on My name is Sergeant Fozmerlude … I’m a floop.

by David Benjamin   “Mary had a blicken oof. Its prooze was white as werf. And glutendot that Mary gleat, The oof was sure to gerf.”  ― Garry Moore   MADISON, Wis.—Sean Connery stopped me cold the other night while I was watching The Untouchables, director Brian De Palma’s masterpiece. Playing the role of tough…

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The worst of the worst in the whole wide world

By David Benjamin | 05/17/2024 | Comments Off on The worst of the worst in the whole wide world

by David Benjamin   “We shall fight against them, throw them in prisons and destroy them.” —Vladimir Putin “When I look at myself in the first grade and I look at myself now, I’m basically the same.”  ― Donald Trump   MADISON, Wis.—For a while, I’ve been thinking about who deserves a Top Ten spot…

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The Liz quiz: Angela or Martha

By David Benjamin | 05/09/2024 | Comments Off on The Liz quiz: Angela or Martha

by David Benjamin   “As if you were on fire from within/ The moon lives in the lining of your skin.” —Pablo Neruda   PARIS—For most of us, there are few greater shocks in life than to be seen as attractive. It’s against human nature to look in the mirror and perceive beauty unalloyed and…

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The Frankencookies and artisanal Whoppers of Paris

By David Benjamin | 05/02/2024 | Comments Off on The Frankencookies and artisanal Whoppers of Paris

by David Benjamin   “How can anyone govern a nation that has two hundred and forty-six different kinds of cheese?” —Charles de Gaulle   PARIS—The latest trend in French comestibles, started by a baker with too much time on his hands, is the “crookie,” an otherwise traditional croissant grafted with chocolate-chip cookie dough and then…

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Stir-crazy in Dairyland

By David Benjamin | 04/24/2024 | Comments Off on Stir-crazy in Dairyland

by David Benjamin   “Conspiracy is a term which gets slighted. Conspiracy theories have been right about a lot of things.”  —Aaron Rodgers   PARIS—Maybe Wisconsin makes you stir-crazy. I mean, if you’re not from Wisconsin in the first place, and you’re not used to all the men in Wisconsin mumbling, so you have to…

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