The Weekly Screed

The Don is dead. Long live — NO! He’s alive, he’s alive!

By David Benjamin | 01/21/2022 | Comments Off on The Don is dead. Long live — NO! He’s alive, he’s alive!

by David Benjamin “MAR-A-LAGO (25 January 2022) — The sudden, apparent demise of ex-president Donald J. Trump on Monday, when he choked to death spectacularly trying to swallow whole a Burger King Triple Whopper that could not be dislodged from his fat-narrowed windpipe despite the efforts of his daughter Ivanka and four muscular bodyguards simultaneously…

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My friend Katz, the right-wing shlemiel

By David Benjamin | 01/14/2022 | Comments Off on My friend Katz, the right-wing shlemiel

by David Benjamin MADISON, Wis. — Katz had the ball. God knows who passed it to him. He couldn’t dribble. Katz was a kid who couldn’t talk and adjust his glasses at the same time. He was the least coordinated kid in our gym class. If he tried to dribble, walk, talk or take his…

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Critical Arithmetic Theory and other parental fallacies

By David Benjamin | 01/05/2022 | Comments Off on Critical Arithmetic Theory and other parental fallacies

by David Benjamin “The digits 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 are Arabic numerals, developed in the 6th or 7th century in India and later introduced to Europe through the writings of Middle Eastern mathematicians, most notably Al-Khwarizmi and Al-Kindi, in the 12th century. These numerals paved the way for…

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A Murray Christmas to All (Part 2)

By David Benjamin | 12/21/2021 | Comments Off on A Murray Christmas to All (Part 2)

by David Benjamin Author’s Note: In Part 1, as you might recall, Murray Lefkowitz, the drunk Santa banished from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, applies for a sleigh-driving job with Kris Kringle, but has to assembly a team from his milieu — the down-and-out dregs of New York City. The sleigh squad Murray recruits includes a…

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A Murray Christmas to All (Part 1)

By David Benjamin | 12/16/2021 | Comments Off on A Murray Christmas to All (Part 1)

by David Benjamin Author’s Note: I’ve been writing Christmas stories — most of them the offbeat products of a hard-knock youth — since I was sixteen. Over the ensuing years, I’ve generated enough Benjie Christmas originals (and snatches of sliphorn verse) to constitute an entire anthology, which I plan to publish next year under the…

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Roe v. Gantry

By David Benjamin | 12/09/2021 | Comments Off on Roe v. Gantry

by David Benjamin “Elmer had, even in Zenith, to meet plenty of solemn and whiskery persons whose only pleasure aside from not doing agreeable things was keeping others from doing them.” — Sinclair Lewis PARIS — On the flight over here, I finally got around to reading Elmer Gantry — during which it readily dawned…

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“Dear Twelve…”

By David Benjamin | 12/04/2021 | Comments Off on “Dear Twelve…”

by David Benjamin Aaron Rodgers 1265 Lombardi Avenue Green Bay Wisconsin Dear Aaron: You’re an odd duck. I mean that in the most complimentary sense. I’m one, too. Been that way since — best guess — the summer before second grade when I was corrupted by Chucky Dutcher. You’re also a know-it-all. Me, too. Like…

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Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like Xanadu

By David Benjamin | 11/28/2021 | Comments Off on Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like Xanadu

by David Benjamin “Kings are like stars. They rise and set, they have the worship of the world, but no repose.”— Percy Bysshe Shelley MADISON, Wis. — Since monarchy fell out of fashion, it’s gotten tougher to be an autocrat. Donald Trump, for example, appeared to be rising unstoppably toward a sort of reich amerikanisch.…

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An overdose of Moxie, dear

By David Benjamin | 11/18/2021 | Comments Off on An overdose of Moxie, dear

by David Benjamin “Judge Rayford: Mr. Kirkland you are out of order! “Arthur Kirkland: You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They’re out of order!…” — And Justice For All (1979) A COURTROOM SOMEWHERE IN WISCONSIN — The judge pushed aside several empty Chinese food cartons and…

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The child soldiers of football

By David Benjamin | 11/10/2021 | Comments Off on The child soldiers of football

by David Benjamin “I think that they’re making a terrible mistake and they’re injuring children’s brains. It’s the second child abuse crisis in the Catholic Church.” — Denny Doyle MADISON, Wis. — There’s a visionary in Cincinnati, although some consider him a crank, named Denny Doyle, who’s trying to convince the Catholic Youth Organization to…

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