The hunt for Red Antifa

by David Benjamin

“… Antifa, short for anti-fascists, hasn’t killed anyone and appears to have been only a marginal presence in Black Lives Matter protests. None of those arrested on serious federal charges related to the unrest have been linked to antifa…” 

— Nicholas Kristof, N.Y. Times

“We have to find one, Your Majesty.”

It’s Monday in the White House, two days after Your Majesty’s triumphant Black Wall Street commemorative white people’s superspreader rally. He’s alone with his campaign manager (whom he’s thinking about firing).

YM: “One what?”

BRAD: “You know, one of those antifas.”

YM: “Whaddya mean? They’re everywhere. I see ’em on TV. They’re swarming all over the place. There were thousands — thousands of ’em! — in Tulsa. Rioting! Looting! Closing the economy! Carrying guns!”

BRAD: “Well, not exactly, Your Majesty. The guys with the guns were your people. The police cleared them out.”

YM: “My people? The police cleared out My People? They should’ve been rounding up antifas? Beating them with sticks! Standing on their necks!”

BRAD: “Well, Your Majesty, they… um, had trouble finding them.”

YM: “What kind of trouble? What kind of stupid cops do they have in Tulsa?”

BRAD: “Well, they looked, Your Majesty. We told them, forget about ‘serving and protecting.’ Just hunt down antifas. They’re easy to spot, we said. They dress in black. They smash, loot, riot, destroy, break windows, burn the flag, impale babies on their swords, burn virgins at the stake…”

YM: “Okay, good work, Tad. So, they caught some. How many?”

BRAD: “Well, the official count was none.”

YM: “NONE?”

BRAD: “Apparently, Your Majesty, the antifas were either incognito, or they didn’t show up. It’s becoming a sort of pattern. They never seem to be there.”

YM: “But they were there! There was a riot! Tulsa was in flames. I saw it on my phone. They started it!”

BRAD: “I’m real sorry, Your Majesty, but the riot video you saw — in black and white — that was 1921. This time, there was just a peaceful protest against you and all you stand for. No looting. No burning churches. And no antifas. Not one.”

YM: “That can’t be. It’s fake news. Antifas are everywhere. I see ’em in droves on One America! Steve Doocy sees ’em! Jared sees hundreds of ’em. My oldest son saw a really big one under his bed.”

BRAD: “Sir, no offense, but your oldest son is an idiot.”

YM: “Well, yeah, I worry about that. How’d that happen?”

BRAD: (Under his breath) “The apple doesn’t fall far…”

YM: (Sharply) “Say what?”

BRAD: “Unfortunately, Your Majesty, antifa isn’t actually everywhere. They don’t seem to be anywhere. Millions of people have demonstrated against police violence and protested your personal brand of racial animus, but not one antifa has been spotted in all those marches.”

YM: “Well, dammit, Ted! Where the hell are they? I’ve got this beautiful, strong, powerful executive order declaring that the stinkin‘ antifas are a terrorist organization chock full full of Reds and radicals and homos, spitting out anchor babies like jujubes. Steve Miller wrote it up. The first sentence is terrific. I read it.”

BRAD: “That’s the thing, Your Majesty. They’re not an organization.”

YM: “No, they are an organization! They must be. They have a name! Like the Dallas Cowboys, the YMCA and Deutsche Bank! They’re the antifas!”

BRAD: “Yes sir, but unlike the Cowboys, they don’t have a megalomaniac owner. They don’t have a clubhouse, don’t hold meetings. They have no known leader at all. They don’t have a website, podcast or even a bank account. They don’t issue manifestos or threaten to pillage and plunder. Sir, they don’t even…”

YM: “They don’t even what? What don’t they do?”

BRAD: “Your Majesty. They don’t… tweet.”

YM: “They don’t TWEET?”

BRAD: “No sir.”

YM: (Gasping) “They don’t tweet? Oh my God!… I can’t breathe.”

BRAD: “Ironically, Your Majesty, they’re much like you in one way.”

YM: “Like me? How?”

BRAD: “Well, Your Majesty, they never claim responsibility for anything.”

Your Majesty returns to his puzzled funk.

BRAD: (Pressing on) “Above all, Your Majesty, they’re silent.”

YM: (Perking up) “Silent? Well, there you are! Those scumbag lowlifes aren’t like me at all. I’m not silent! Am I silent? Have I ever been silent?”

BRAD: “No, Your Majesty, I’ve never known you to ever once shut your cakehole, even in your own interest.”

YM: “Damn right, fella! I go on and on! I ramble and blather and bluster and woolgather, spouting the first brainfart that comes to mind, then suddenly shift onto an unrelated tangent and babble fifteen minutes about water glasses and slippery ramps and murdering Morning Joe and then Mike Flynn, hell of a guy, a good man, treated unfairly, wrote me love letters, y’know, from North Korea. I met his daughter — I think it was his daughter — at Mar-a-Lago. I grabbed her—”

BRAD: “Your Majesty!”

YM: “Huh ? Whut?”

BRAD: “Back to the point, sir.”

YM: “There’s a point?”

BRAD: “The hunt for antifas. They’re silent. They’re invisible.”

YM: “That’s it. I got it! I just solved the whole thing! Brilliant! Stand back. You ready? Here goes: We’re gonna call those rat bastards The Invisible Enemy! I never liked antifa. What the hell’s antifa? Sounds like something you take with warm milk if you got gas. Think about it. If we call ’em The Invisible Enemy, we never have to catch one. They’re everywhere but, like, where? Ya see? Can’t catch ’em, if you can’t see ’em, okay? Am I a genius, or what?”

A pregnant pause follows.

YM: “Okay, Fred. get everyone working on that. Tell Bill Barr. Tell Fat Mike and Moscow Mitch. Use the Voice of America. I own it now! Fired everyone. And tell what’s-his-face. You know, my chief of staff. Matt something.”

BRAD: “Mark, sir. Mark Meadows.”

YM: “Right, yeah, well, spread the word, Ned: Antifa, The Invisible Enemy! God, that’s beautiful. Tremendous! Strong! Feel my tie. It’s getting hard.”

BRAD: (Hesistantly) “Your Majesty, there is one little thing.”

YM: “Thing? What thing?!”

BRAD: (More hesitantly) “Well, sir, you sort of already used that term.”

YM: “Term? My term is not over! I’ve got a whole second term comin‘ up. The people love me. The blacks, the Jews, the broads! It’s gonna be a landslide!”

BRAD: “No, sir, I mean The Invisible Enemy. You’ve already used that term.”

YM: (Angrily orange) “Used it? What the hell you talkin‘ about?”

BRAD: “Well, Your Majesty, you coined ‘The Invisible Enemy’ to describe Covid-19, the coronavirus pandemic. Sir…”

YM: “Pandemic? Pandemic?! Jesus H. Christ, is that still around?”