What Obama and Trump really said

What Obama and Trump Really Said
by David Benjamin

(As a service to mankind, Harvey Brusbussen, editor-in-chief of the international hacking organization, IncontinentWiki, has released, exclusively to this reporter, the full transcript of the post-election meeting in the Oval Office between President Barack Obama and President-Elect Donald Trump. Here it is.)

Trump: “So, how’d I do, bro?”

Obama: “You totally rocked, dude. You’re the only one who could have pulled it off.”

Trump: “Hey, thanks for believing in me, Barry. When you suggested it, I thought you were crazy. I never thought I’d even win a primary, much less the whole shootin’ match.”

Obama: “It was the same for me when I ran for president. Totally out of the box!”

Trump: “True. We were both surprises. But beating Hillary? I thought, no way!”

Obama: “I knew you could do it, Donny. I was counting on you.”

Trump: “Well, we had to beat her. She could have forever soiled your legacy as president. You’ve been the best since Roosevelt and you’ve done so much for America! The Affordable Care Act. The recovery from the Bush Depression. You saved General Motors! You took out bin Laden, man! High five!”

(They slap palms.)

Obama: “Thanks, but you’ve made a huge sacrifice. I know how you hate politics.”

Trump: “Looking back, it was fun. Your strategy was pure genius. I mean, I saw what Hillary was doing — framing her campaign as a continuation of the Obama administration. I couldn’t let that happen to you, man. Everybody hates Hillary. If she put her name on your work, everything you accomplished would be tainted.”

Obama: “I agree. But no way I could dump Hillary. She was next in line. My only option was to support her passionately but make sure she lost the election to somebody whom Americans could despise even more than they despise her.”

Trump: “And here I am!”

(They laugh and high-five again.)

Obama: “Thank God I didn’t have to look very far, Donny. You were a no-brainer. In more ways than one. Millions of people — especially in New York — have been hating your guts for years. You’d spent your life building the most vulgar, repulsive image in the history of wretched excess. Compared to you, Caligula was Emily Dickinson.”

Trump: “Hey, being repulsive worked for me. And it came in handy for you. Now that I’m president, every time I attack you or one of your good works, the whole world will come to your defense. The more I dump on you, the more people will love you. Can you imagine this happening with Hillary?”

Obama: “Y’know, Don. The sad part is, I like Hillary, as a person. But it’s weird. Everything she touches turns into ten million flames on social media. With friends like her, who needs enemies?”

Trump: “Well, you do, Barry. And I’m your man. I’m gonna trash you, and everything you’ve ever done — 140 ungrammatical characters at a time — ’til the Democratic Party takes America back from the Donald Trump disaster”

Obama: “All I can say, again, is thanks.”

Trump: “Don’t thank me yet. I’ve got work to do. First thing, I’m gonna huddle up with Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan to repeal Obamacare, with no plan or forethought whatsoever. It’s gonna be so ruthless, mindless and pointless that all of American will suddenly wake up and realize they like Obamacare.”

Obama: “Brilliant.”

Trump: “And then I’m going to nominate a Cabinet full of gasbags, has-beens, toadies and upper-class twits. The blowback will be massive. People are gonna be nostalgic for you even before I’m sworn in. I guarantee it. After that, I’ll just go completely off the rails. I’ll be the gonzo president. By summertime, even the most gutless weenies in the GOP — Priebus, Romney, Cruz, Walker — they’ll be whispering about impeachment.”

Obama: “Don, I really hate to see you doing this. Behind that hideous mask, you’re the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.”

Trump: “Well, don’t tell anybody, Barry. Remember, being the world’s most colossal horse’s ass is my meal ticket. Made me rich! And it gets me close to all the pussy a guy could ever dream of.”

Obama: “About that, Donny. Do you really get a lot?”

Trump: “Hey, I wish. In actual fact, I’m kind of a babe repellant. I mean, the hair, the weird orange glow, the big crude mouth. The sheer stupidity. And I’m fat. I’m old. If I wasn’t rich, no woman would touch me with a ten-foot toilet brush.”

Obama: “Yes, but you were married to beautiful women. And you’ve got Melania. She’s gorgeous.”

Trump: “Wait, man. You think Melania’s real? You believe that phony birth certificate?”

Obama: “Say what?”

Trump: “I thought you figured it all out when Melania blew a circuit at the GOP convention and re-booted into that old speech by your wife.”

Obama: “You mean?”

Trump: “That’s right, Barry. She’s synthetic. They’re doing amazing stuff these days with silicone and artificial intelligence.”

Obama: “But she had a baby, Don. You have a son.”

Trump: “Hey, don’t get me started, man. We’ve had to send the kid back to the shop to be re-wired at least five times. And he still doesn’t register any human expression. Until the engineers can find the glitch in his software, we’re just spreading this vague rumor that he’s autistic.”

Obama: “Donny, I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

Trump: “Hey, kids. Whaddya gonna do?”

Obama: “Listen, one other thing is bothering me.”

Trump: “The Putin bromance?”

Obama: “Exactly. You’re patriotic, honorable, intelligent. But for my sake, you’ve dragged yourself down into Putin’s gutter. You’ve been kissing his ass for two years and it breaks my heart. I mean, the guy’s a total pig.”

Trump: “Hey, no big deal. Remember, I’ve spent my life among rich realtors, urban developers, slumlords, casino gangsters and now, Klan kleagles and Republicans! The scum of the earth. Putin is just another one of the boys. Besides, the Putin gambit is a key to our plan to rehabilitate liberalism.”

Obama: “Right again, Donny. Ever since FDR sweet-talked Joe Stalin at Yalta, the Democratic Party has been stuck with the tag of Russian appeasers and soft on Communism. But now, thanks to you…”

Trump: “Hey, by the time I’m out of the White House, Russia and Putin will be hanging around the Republican Party’s neck — like a dead polecat on an anchor chain — for generations to come.”

(Another high five.)

Obama: “So, Donny, when do you plan to get bored with public service and announce your resignation?”

Trump: “Not long, bro. I’m just waiting for the Coen Brothers finish up those sex tapes of Mike Pence and Paul Ryan with Jane Fonda.”