Why is this woman not an episode of ‘Criminal Minds’?

Why is this woman not an episode of ‘Criminal Minds’?
by David Benjamin

“Hill’ry Clinton took an ax, and gave Vince Foster forty whacks.
“When she saw what she had done, she gave Chris Stevens forty-one.”
— Popular children’s rhyme

MADISON, Wis. — The latest kerfuffle over Donald Trump’s ambiguous call for “Second Amendment people” to take up arms and blow Hillary Clinton’s brains out pales in comparison to the bloodsoaked trail of homicides directly connected — on popular trollsites all over cyberAmerica — to Mrs. Clinton herself.

I was unaware of Hillary’s 20-year killing spree ’til informed by a stepbrother who will remain anonymous for his own protection. He revealed that the combined Bill and Hillary body count — witnesses executed to prevent them exposing the staggering vastness of the Clintons’ criminal empire — is 147 victims.

Actually, according to newshounds at “Government Slaves,” the body count consensus is 47, from Whitewater dupe Jim McDougal to Todd McKeehan, one of 12 Clinton bodyguards who were iced because they’d seen too much.

(Warning to Hillary’s Secret Service detail: Watch your back, boys!)

My stepbrother’s overestimate — by 100 bodies — seems hyperbolic until you realize that when your perp has already gotten away with 47 known murders, dozens more corpses are probably lying somewhere in shallow graves being gnawed by raccoons and coyotes. Indeed, at “What Really Happened,” you can read heart-rending thumbnails of 117 innocents liquidated ruthlessly by the Clinton murder machine. The victims include John F. Kennedy, Jr. and former Commerce Secretary Ron Brown, both shot down surreptitiously by CIA jet-fighters under Bill and Hillary’s direct command. Also among the slain, ironically, is former CIA director Bill Colby, snatched from a canoe and drowned, probably because of his knowledge of the Clintons’ jet-fighter hit squad.

As one anonymous (who could blame him?) journalist for The Political Insider has warned: “The Clinton body count is massive and growing. Hillary Clinton will stop at nothing to become President, and death seems to follow her everywhere…”

Among grislier examples of what Hill and Bill have done to cover their outrages was the fate of White House ex-intern Mary Mahoney, murdered in an apparent “robbery” at a Georgetown Starbucks. Some $4,000 was left behind by the so-called robber, who pumped five bullets into Mary while also killing two witnesses. This massacre followed news reports about “M,” a “former White House staffer” poised to expose the Clintons’ sexual shenanigans at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Inevitably, these documented cases of Hillary’s career as probably the most prolific serial murderer in human history, have doubters. The fact-check website, Snopes, has painstakingly disputed every alleged Clinton homicide. In the Mahoney case, described by police as a botched robbery, Snopes explains, “The putative reason offered for Mahoney’s slaying, that she was about to testify about sexual harrassment in the White House, was a lie… We all know now… that the ‘staffer’ referred to was Monica Lewinsky, not Mary Mahoney. The conspiracy buffs maintained that White House hit men rushed out, willy-nilly, and gunned down the first female ex-intern they could find whose name began with ‘M.’…”

In examining all of Hillary’s atrocities, Establishment stooges like Snopes dwell on the overwhelming lack of evidence that either Bill or Hillary had any connection to these deaths and had no credible motive to snuff these 47, or 90, or 117 people. Fact-checkers also note that most of these “victims” weren’t really “killed.” Many died of purported heart attacks and other “natural” causes. Several were judged to be “suicides.” Finally, the fact-nerds report that no law enforcement organization has found grounds to charge, arrest, accuse, investigate or even suspect the Clintons of engineering this immense campaign of human slaughter.

But, of course, this extraordinary vacuum of evidence is the most damning proof that these two soulless sociopaths are, indeed, direct descendants of Jack the Ripper. Everyone knows that the genius of any power-driven, officially conceived conspiracy— like the phony moon landing in 1969 — is the conspirators’ attention to cleaning up after themselves, never leaving behind the tiniest shred of evidence. And then, of course, killing anybody who knows anything. The absolute proof of a vast evil conspiracy is that no proof remains, and every cadaver is clean as a whistle.

In the words of Yossarian, “That’s some catch, that Catch-22.”

Fortunately, America now has a presidential nominee who grasps the diabolical menace of these conspiracies and the true colors of their mastermind, Hillary Clinton. Donald Trump has already exposed numerous conspiracies — the Nairobi plot to put a Muslim terrorist in the White House, the Chinese climate-change hoax, the New Jersey Muslim rooftop celebration on 9/11, the airplane full of money for Iran. Before Trump, these scandalous revelations were available only via Internet on the Right-Wing Chain-Letter Network. Now, they have a fearless spokesman.

In my case, whenever Trump unearths another plot — usually implicating the Bitch of Little Rock — I get nostalgic for the Sixties.

In those days, the Left had the corner on conspiracy theories, including the one where J. Edgar Hoover put out contracts on the entire Kennedy family, including Rose. Liberals were the guys who could explain the Bay of Pigs, the Gulf of Tonkin, the secret war in Laos, the overthrows of Mosaddegh in Iran, Arbenz in Guatemala, Allende in Chile and even Batista in Cuba — not to mention the sweat on Tricky Dick’s upper lip.

Liberalism used to be the panic room for the lunatic fringe. But our last good conspiracy theory was the one where Karl Rove crashed the airplanes of Mel Carnahan and Paul Wellstone. And this stuff got no traction at all. We lost our touch. Nowadays all the really paranoid suspicions and dark delusions are the intellectual property of the Right, and Donald Trump is the patent-holder.

Fittingly.

Fear and loathing might be a creepy job, but it’s as American as Mom, apple pie, burning crosses and Tailgunner Joe. And somebody — ideally a self-important Bozo with orange hair — has to do it!