How much does America suck?

How much does America suck?

“The American dream is dead.”
— Donald Trump

PARIS — From a European perspective, the infestation of Mexicans pouring across through cheesecloth southern border of the United States looks almost tolerable compared to the millions of refugees fleeing Syria and the Middle East. These displaced paupers are inundating the Balkans, littering the shores of Greece, sundering razor-wire with their bare hands in Macedonia, battling border guards in Hungary, galloping north in pillaging hordes toward Austria, Germany and even the lily-white France of Jean-Marie Le Pen and Josephine Baker — like a vast, voracious swarm of Muslim locusts.

But in the midst of these parallel immigration crises, in America and in Europe, Hungarian prime minister Viktor Orbán has shone a ray of hope.

Last week, surveying a sea of swarthy, unwashed foreigners in a Hungarian train station, Orbán was coolly confident that this would all blow over soon, because none of these people “want to stay in Hungary.” Viktor Orbán was steeled with the assurance that his poor, ill-governed and inhospitable nation is a toilet.

The millions rushing to the Hungarian border will just keep on rushing, says Orbán, because his country has nothing to offer any sensible refugee. Nobody’s gonna stay. With a wink of ironic pride, Orbán boasted that Hungary — notwithstanding the charm and beauty of Budapest — sucks.

On Wednesday in California, fifteen Republican presidential candidates endorsed what might be called the Orbán Doctrine, applied to America. They all pretty much concurred with the proposition that America really — really! — sucks.

Today in the US, thanks to President Obama, Planned Parenthood butchers are roaming the streets, ripping fully formed fetuses from random wombs, spreading them on filthy tables, while their tiny hearts beat and their legs kick. Then they remove the living brains and auction them off like candlesticks at an estate sale.

Today, while the ISIS navy is surrounding America’s ports with submarines and massing its armies on America’s borders, President Obama is too cowardly to utter the phrase “radical Islam.” He’s a sniveling pussy who kisses Vladimir’s Putin’s ass and cringes at the mention of Ayatollah Khameini, to whom he has bargained away the safety of Israel and the future of America, welcoming Iran into the nuclear club. America is mere weeks away from a rain of ICBMS from Tehran.

And if the Muslims don’t get us, the Chinese will launch a cyberattack that makes Die Hard IV look like a debutante ball at the Waldorf-Astoria. Every computer will croak, every phone will go blank, all the lights will go out, and the only thing penetrating America’s coast-to-coast darkness will be Chinese ICBMs.

Led by Obama, Christianity is in mortal peril. Children not “systematically murdered” in the womb are being systematically destroyed by public schools, despite brave efforts by reformers to privatize education with vouchers and charters. The Common Core is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous plot against the American dream since the fluoridation of water sapped and impurified our precious bodily fluids.

Above all, there are the illegals, all those short, dark, sinister mooks who join gangs, who conspired — 11, 12, 30 million of them — to murder a white girl in San Francisco and prove that they’re all “bad bad guys” sent here by a Mexican president who’s a thousand times smarter than Barack Hussein Obama.

While Planned Parenthood slaughters millions of feti a year, the Mexicans are dropping anchor babies like nymphomaniac bunny-rabbits. Aliens keep coming. They keep applying for jobs at Burger King, mowing our lawns, blowing our leaves, picking our tomatoes, getting in our way on the road in their rickety pickup trucks and refusing, — goddamn it — to learn English.

Why do they keep coming? America already sucks. The GOP debate made this clear. Oh, sure, we were riding high in 2008. The economy was soaring. Unemployment was nonexistent. The deficit had disappeared. The Iraq War was a glorious mission that had won the hearts not only of Americans but of Iraqis who showered our troops with flowers. Cities like Detroit and New Orleans were burgeoning. And then, Obama came along and queered the whole deal.

Still, for some reason, foreigners keep flocking to America. They keep believing in an American dream that the colored boy in the White House has turned into a hideous, horrific Wes Craven nightmare.

We have to face reality. America sucks, yes! But America doesn’t suck enough. According to the Orbán Doctrine, the secret to keeping the barbarians, interlopers and freeloaders from the gates is to sink lower. But can we do so with a GOP president who’s openly determined to “make America great again.” If America is great, won’t Mexicans be all the more eager to creep under the fence and lock their purple lips onto the Lady Liberty’s buttermilk-gorged tit?

Today, greatness is the last thing America needs. If we want to make America so wretched that even a wetback felon will prefer to just scurry on through — all the way to Canada — we can’t trust the job to any of these Republicans. They each know all kinds of cool, secret stuff about how to make America a whole lot more prosperous, attractive and free. They said so.

Which means they have to leave the race. If we want an America as unlivable as Hungary, well, the man for that job is the Socialist who turned Vermont into a wasteland. The woman for the job is obviously the bitch of Benghazi.

We cannot risk the economic, cultural and Christian renaissance that our Republican candidates are guaranteeing. To get our country back, America has to become a humongous, festering hellhole — like, say, Syria. For that dream-come-true, we need a Democratic doofus even dumber than Obama.