Know thy caliber, know thyself

MONDAY, JUNE 22, 2015
The Weekly Screed (#725)

Know thy caliber, know thyself

by David Benjamin

PARIS — In the wake of the vicious killings at the Emanuel AME Church, Americans can take some solace in the embrace of psychology — by the National Rifle Association and the Caucasian Caucus of the Republican Party — as a way to understand, and possibly achieve a measure of Christian tolerance for the mass murders that remain trendy among America’s angry white guys with guns.

The Delphic maxim says, “Know thyself.” The example of Dylann Roof, the Charleston mass murderer, is instructive. We’ve learned that he was poor though white, and alienated from a broken family. He was a restless, bitter school dropout with an itchy trigger finger who apparently possessed the social skills of a rabid polecat. He was a blank tablet whose only mark was the palimpsest of the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which liberated him — without government interference — “to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them,” ideally by snuffing as many of his imaginary enemies as he had bullets.

We could condemn young men like Dylann and cling to the false panacea of gun control. Or we could join with 2nd Amendment defenders in their conviction that society is ultimately safer by understanding our budding sociopaths and seeking to guide their impulses — constructively.

DR FELDMAN: “So, Darrell, do you know why you’re here?”

DARRELL: “Huh uh.”

DR. FELDMAN: “Well, you see, the government doesn’t know you’ve just purchased your 52nd automatic weapon. Nor have they been notified that you’ve stockpiled enough ammo to depopulate New Hampshire. However, the NRA keeps track of these things. They’ve hired me to help you plumb your motivations.”

DARRELL: “I don’t wanna plumb nothin’, shrink.”

DR. FELDMAN: “This is evident, Darrell. But don’t you feel, perhaps, a little uneasy? Aren’t you haunted, sometimes, by emotions you can’t understand?”

DARRELL: “Haunted? Nah. I’m pissed, man. Really pissed.”

DR. FELDMAN: “Good, that’s a start. Now, Darrell, let’s explore that.”

DARRELL: “Explore what?”

DR. FELDMAN: “Your anger.”

DARRELL: “I’m not angry, man. I’m pissed.”

DR. FELDMAN: “Yes, well, a minor semantic point. You’re pissed. But why so many guns, Darrell?”

DARRELL: “I dunno. They make me feel good, y’know. Safe.”

DR. FELDMAN: “Ah, now we’re getting somewhere, Darrell. You sense some danger in your life, a threat that you can’t quite put your finger on?”

DARRELL: “Aw, no. I can put my finger on it all right.”

DR. FELDMAN: “Really? Very good, Darrell. We’re making progress. I’m very pleased. Now, why do you feel threatened? What’s causing this?”

DARRELL: “Them.”

DR. FELDMAN: “Them. Perhaps you could be a tad more specific, Darrell?”

DARRELL: “Say what?”

DR. FELDMAN: “Them, Darrell. Who are they?”

DARRELL: “Them, man. The ones who hate me. The ones who laugh and talk behind my back. The ones who get stuff I can’t get. The ones who pass algebra and get jobs and take out mortgages and have girlfriends and get married. The ones who have beliefs, values, convictions and new cars. The ones who work in offices and eat out and know how to dance and don’t pick their nose in public.”

DR. FELDMAN: “You mean, people who have actual lives?”

DARRELL: “Yeah.”

DR. FELDMAN: Unlike you.”

DARRELL: “Yeah.”

DR. FELDMAN: “Who only have anger, hatred and an AK-47.”

DARRELL: “Yeah.”

DR. FELDMAN: “And have no idea who you are, because you have no occupation, no group to identify you, not even a family to speak of. Even being white isn’t that self-defining because being white is just so… white.”

DARRELL: “Yeah, you got it, doc.”

DR. FELDMAN: “But, Darrell. You have your guns.”

DARRELL: “Jeez, doc. Do you mean…?”

DR. FELDMAN: “Darrell, you may indeed be a nebbish. You might — for the next 70 years — amount to little more than a soup-stain on the necktie of humanity. But you are someone, Darrell. Someone greater than everyone can see.”

DARRELL: “Because I got my guns?”

DR. FELDMAN: “Yes, Darrell. You embody the freedom that is every native-born American’s birthright. You can load, lock, aim and fire — and not even the president can stop you.”

DARRELL: “So, you mean I can shoot ‘em. The ones who go around hating me.”

DR. FELDMAN: “Well, Darrell. I can’t suggest that. I’m only here to listen. And advise.”

DARRELL: “But you can’t stop me.”

DR. FELDMAN: “No one can, Darrell. You have unalienable rights.”

DARRELL: “OK, good. Advise me, doc. Which ones do I shoot?”

DR. FELDMAN: “This is America, Darrell. You have the right to choose — any individual, group, party, faction, busload, congregation, schoolroom. It’s a veritable human buffet out there, Darrell. I can only ask you this question: Who pisses you off the most.”

DARRELL: “Well, I hate the niggers, and the illegals. I hate the stinkin’ chinks a lot. And Catholics. And Muslims, boy, do I hate them. And the Jews!”

DR. FELDMAN: “Well, I‘d skip the Jews if I were you, Darrell.”

DARRELL: “Skip the Jews? Why, doc? They run everything!”

DR. FELDMAN: “It’s been overdone. The idea lacks freshness.”

DARRELL: “Really?”

DR. FELDMAN: “Yes. Just as an example, the Nazis murdered six million Jews in a span of barely ten years.”

DARRELL: “Wow. That many? How come I didn’t know that?”

DR. FELDMAN: “Probably because you’re a moron with a gun, Darrell. Remember?”
DARRELL: “Oh. Right.”

DR. FELDMAN: “The key, Darrell, is not whom you shoot, or even if you shoot them at all. The important thing is how you feel, about yourself… afterward.”

DARRELL: “Yo. Like, afterwards, I won’t be Darrell, the nobody, anymore.”

DR. FELDMAN: “That’s right, Darrell. You’ll definitely be somebody.”

DARRELL: “Yeah, man. I’ll be Darrell, the crazed gunman.”

DR. FELDMAN: “Emphasis on ‘man,’ Darrell.”

DARRELL: “Yeah! Or Darrell, the mass murderer. Maybe even Darrell, the terrorist!”

DR. FELDMAN: “Well, mass murderer, yes. That’s fine. But let’s not use that word, Darrell, Remember, you’re white.”

DARRELL: “Oh. Really, doc? White guys can’t be terrorists?”

DR. FELDMAN: “Oh my goodness, no, Darrell. If we ever called them that, we might have to take away their guns.”