President in absentia, ave atque vale!

by David Benjamin

WASHINGTON, D.C., 6 January 2027—In the breathtaking first act by the 120th Congress, the House of Representatives agreed by acclamation to a binding resolution—offered by the new Democratic majority—that the 2020 presidential election was fraudulently decided in favor of Joe Biden. The stunning implication of this vote was that Biden had served illegitimately as the nation’s leader from 2021-2025 while Republican incumbent Donald J. Trump was, in essence, a President in Absentia for four years.

In a subsequent vote, called swiftly by newly chosen Speaker of the House Hakeem Jeffries and approved largely along party lines, the House voted to affirm that Trump’s present term as the 47th president is in violation of the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which limits presidents to only two terms in office.

“Trump wasn’t in the White House from 2021 to 2025. but he was, according to the law, the duly elected President of the United States—just like he’s always claimed,” said Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.), a Constitutional scholar. “That means that the eight years he was allowed to serve in that office were legally over on January 20, 2025, even if he wasn’t actually sitting in the office. Rules are rules, and it’s all over for the big lug! He has to hit the road, and take the Slovenian princess along with him.”

Trump’s hopes to cling to the presidency hinged on a possible U.S. Senate vote against his removal. However, twenty Republican senators joined the slim Democratic Senate majority to free themselves from the oppressive thrall of a superannuated CEO visibly slipping into slobbering senility.

One of the implications of this shocking development is that Vice President James David Vance has been rendered ineligible to replace Trump as the leader of the free world. Before the House vote, elections experts had informed Speaker Jeffries that, because Trump was elected to an illegal third term in 2024, his running mate was equally unconstitutional.
The abdication of both Trump and Vance was affirmed almost immediately in a “shadow docket” emergency ruling by the Supreme Court. After the 7-2 vote that irreversibly ended America’s nightmare, Chief Justice John Roberta breathed a cleansing sigh of relief and the two dissenting justices, Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito, burst into wracking sobs, rolled on the floor and held their breath ’til they passed out.

Minutes later, in a hasty ceremony in the hallway of the U.S. Capitol building, Chief Justice Roberts swore in, as the 46th president, the man next in succession to the Oval Office, Speaker Jeffries. Senators Raphael Warnock (D-Ga.) and James Talarico (D-Tex.) followed with a brief prayer service, during which a bipartisan congregation of legislators, grateful staff and tourists rang out repeatedly in exultation, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty! We’re free at last!”

Speaking to the press afterward, President Jeffries announced the immediate dismissal of Trump’s entire Cabinet, paying particular attention to former Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, whose near unanimous impeachment became the House’s second order of business after Trump’s defenestration. “If we convict Pete,” said Jeffries, “I’m thinking that we execute him, publicly, by firing squad—with bleachers and a brass band—in the parking lot of Fox News.”

Jeffries added, “Just kidding.”

As the new president undertakes the vast repair job on American democracy and human decency. Beltway insiders have launched a frenzy of speculation over Jeffries’ choices for the vice presidency. Among the early names bandied in the press was former first lady Michelle Obama who, when told, shouted “Live, from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night!’ and burst into laughter. Also mentioned were Meryl Streep, based on her commanding aura in The Devil Wears Prada, and Taylor Swift, based on her nice voice and yummy legs.

“Seriously, though,” said Rachel Maddow on MSNOW, “the VP choice has to be a woman. And the front-funner right now, hands down, is Nancy Pelosi. She’s the perfect placeholder. She’ll be a mentor to the president and she’s too old to run for the top spot in the ’28 election, which is gonna be a free-for-all. Besides which, she’s the scariest broad who ever walked the halls of Congress.”

Meanwhile, the ex-president’s fate hangs in the balance. Suddenly out of office, stripped of immunity and removed before he could issue his own presidential pardon, Donald Trump faces investigation and prosecution for the hundreds of crimes, grifts, frauds, incompetent blondes and tons of bullshit that he has inflicted on his countrymen over the past decade. Former Attorney General Todd Blanche quickly warned Trump that he might not be safe from the rule of law in his gilded bunker at Mar-a-Lago, which is inconveniently located inside the United States. It was suggested that he might go unnoticed and unsubpoenaed by retreating to the remote island of St. Helena, made famous as Napoleon Bonaparte’s last resort. However, when this rumor surfaced, the governor of the island, Nigel Phillips responded sharply. “Send him here,” said Phillips, “and I’ll extradite him so fast it’ll make his face go white.”

Asked to comment on his erasure as the 46th president, former Senator Joe Biden smiled and said, “This is big fuckin’ deal.”

As Washington witnessed a panicked exodus of toadies, bimbos, court jesters, predators and parasites, Senator Bernie Sanders (I.-Vt.) visited the White House and met with President Jeffries on the construction site where the East Wing had stood elegantly for 123 years.

Waving an arm at the yet unfinished abomination wrought by Trump, Sanders said, “Mr. President, tear down this ballroom!”