A few questions from the wrong side of the tracks

by David Benjamin

“In Iowa, where politics is a popular sport, any competent candidate knows how to answer questions like ‘What is your all-time favorite Iowa State Fair butter sculpture?’ (The safest answer is the butter Last Supper).”

—Ed Kilgore, New York magazine

MADISON, Wis. — The great pitfall to being a “populist,” a callus-fingered tribune for the “forgotten” common man is that you once in a while you have to summon evidence that you know — from your life — that you have some notion of what your ordinary shmo goes through every day of his or her personal rat race.

This is no small deal. In 1992, George H.W. Bush, a silver-spoon Kennebunkport swell, lost working-class credibility, and possibly his re-election when he visited the Piggly Wiggly and discovered the quotidian miracle of bar-code readers in the checkout lane, and then had no idea of the price of milk.

Fast forward to 2020, when Iowa Senator Joni Ernst blew her cookies on one of the most crucial farm-country issues, the price of a bushel of soybeans. She was already losing to a fellow “farm girl.” This boner might be Joni’s kiss of death. 

In this vein, one of the weird mysteries of this era has been the media’s reticence on the shrouded details of Donald Trump’s populism. Despite his reluctance to touch them, he claims a fatherly affinity for the vast unwashed mass of sandhogs and waitresses out there on the wrong side of the tracks. He calls them
“my people.”

Lately, however, the bond is fraying and it looks like Trump isn’t long for the throne. Before he goes, I think it only fair if Kristen Welker were to hit him with a few questions from outside his bubble, questions rooted in the experience of blue-collar folks who endure a daily drudgery beyond the ken of a gated-community rich boy whose daddy made him a millionaire before he started third grade.

I’d like to ask, for example, Hey, Big Don, did you ever go barefoot in the summertime? Ever do choose-ups at recess? Ever do choose-ups and got picked last? Ever beg your mom for a 25-cent weekly allowance? And be told by mom she can’t afford it? Did you ever “save up” to buy something that you really wanted? Ever steal from the secret cash stash in your mom’s underwear drawer? Ever get sent away to live with relatives while your mom, or dad, or both, struggled to find a job? Ever apply for a job? And get turned down? Did you ever blow a job interview? Ever do a job interview? Have you ever worked for minimum wage? Ever worked for any hourly wage? How much? Have you ever run a machine in a factory? On a “rate”? Do you know what a “rate” is? Who decides the rate? Did you ever cash a paycheck? Did you ever live from paycheck to paycheck? And run out of money a week before payday? Ever looked in the fridge and saw nothing there? Nothing?! Ever get fired? Did you ever stay with a job you hate because you couldn’t afford to quit? Did you ever get hurt on the job? But covered it up because you couldn’t afford to take time off? And you might get fired if you did? Did you ever work overtime to buy your kids Christmas presents? 

Did you ever have chores to do? Ever wash dishes? Mop a floor? Vacuum? Scrub a toilet? Take out the garbage? Tried to figure out the recycling rules in your town? Did you ever find stuff in the garbage that you kept? Did you ever do the laundry? Ever sorted whites from colors? Can you iron? Ever been in a laundromat? Which coins do you need? Ever folded? What’s Woolite? Liquid softener or dryer sheets?

Did you ever wash your dad’s car? Ever waxed a car? How long since you drove a car? Do you have a driver’s license? Ever stood in line at the DMV? Ever stood in line? Can you drive a stick? Can you parallel park? What’s the speed limit on the BQE? What’s the cash toll on the Throgs Neck Bridge? What’s the quickest route from Queens to Jersey? Ever changed a tire? What’s a lugnut? Ever had to put sealant in your radiator? What’s a radiator? Ever touched a dipstick? What’s a dipstick? What’s 10W-40? Ever changed your own oil? How often do you change it? Ever pumped gas? Do you believe in STP? 

Every guy has a favorite car of all time. What’s yours? How come?

Can you explain opposite-side parking rules in Manhattan? Really? Go ahead.

Have you ever ridden a city bus? Taken the subway? Ever hitchhiked? Did you ever fly coach? Ever sit in the middle seat? Ever order the chicken and regretted it? Ever had to buy your food in the terminal before the flight? Ever been frisked by TSA? Was the TSA agent who frisked you black? Did that bother you?

Can you sew on a button? Darn a sock? Fix a hole in your jeans pocket? Ever wear jeans? Since when? Can you paint a wall? Without messing up the woodwork? How? Can you drive a nail? Straight? Split wood? Scramble eggs? Roll a pie crust? Carve a chicken? Pick up after yourself? Ever changed a diaper? Ever burped a baby? Do you know how to hold a baby? Ever driven in a panic to the emergency room with a sick child? And had to wait three hours? Ever argued with the admitting functionary? Ever had to fill out your insurance info, on that goddamn clipboard, at the hospital? And been told you have no coverage? Or that the hospital was “out-of-network”? Do you have any idea what “out-of-network” is? Does anyone? 

Did you ever play catch with a kid? Taught a kid how to ride a bike? Went fishing with him or her? Went hunting? Or to the movies? A puppet show? The county fair? The zoo? The aquarium? The Natural History Museum? Or just out on the curb to get ice cream from the Good Humor truck?

Did you ever have a beer with a friend at the corner bar? Argued over a beer? Heard the one about the horse who walks into a bar? Did you ever walk into a bar? Did you ever buy a stranger a drink? Ever took turns buying rounds? Do you know what a round is? Ever depended on a friend to get you home?

Have you ever set foot in a supermarket? A corner bodega? How much is a gallon of milk? A pound of bananas? A loaf of Wonder Bread? A can of tomato soup? A meatball sub? Ever got frustrated trying to find raisins? Or cardamom? What the hell is cardamom? How many items in the Express Lane? Ever get pissed off when the lady in front of you has more items that she’s supposed to have in the Express Lane? And the cashier lets her get away with it? And you’re too damn polite to complain to the cashier? Paper or plastic?

Knicks or Brooklyn? Mets or Yankees? Derek Jeter or PeeWee Reese?

How long since you bought your own burgers at McDonald’s? Did you ever? Can you recite the ingredients of a Big Mac? Ever eat in the car, off the dashboard, listening to the radio? On Friday night, after the game? 

Do you have any friends who don’t want your money? Do you have any friends, really? Name three. Were you ever scared to ask a girl out? Who was she? Did you ask? Did she say yes? Ever asked a girl to the prom? And she turned you down? Ever asked a girl to love you? Written a love letter? Ever loved a girl from afar? And she didn’t know you even exist? And you never talked to her? And you thought about her the rest of your life? Have you ever had a broken heart? 

Have you ever slept outdoors? Have you ever stopped and talked to a homeless person? Asked if he or she has a place to stay that night? Steered him or her to a shelter? Given her at least a dollar? Told him to get food, not booze, please? Asked if he or she had been in the service? What’s “the service”? Shook his hand? Hugged her and wished her godspeed? Walked away feeling guilty? 

How are your bone spurs feeling these days?

Have you ever wept? For someone other than yourself? Who? When? Why? Will you ever weep again, for anyone? 

Why the hell not?