An executive encyclical

by David Benjamin

(ISSUED FROM THE OVAL OFFICE AND SIGNED ON 4 SEPTEMBER 2020)

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution, the laws of the United States of America and the universal consensus that I alone can fix the horror left behind by the Kenyan usurper, and to protect the Nation from thugs, anarchists, radical Democrats, Satan-worshipping pedophiles and Mexican rapists running wild in the suburban streets, it is hereby ordered as follows:

Section 1. The Status Quo is, and will remain, as follows: I’m the President and you’re NOT, and if you’re dumb enough to elect anyone else President ever again, well then, it’s all over, there’s no more America and the whole country’s up shit creek without a pedal, okay?

Section 2. Be it further declared, just to clear things up, that this phony Covid thing, which has too many names so let’s call it the China Scourge, or maybe the Beijing Bug, or whatever, but it doesn’t matter, ’cause it’s gone. No more Wuhan Flu. It has disappeared — poof! — like a miracle, by my executive ordure, right here, right now. So there! Shut up about it and OPEN UP!!! 

Section 3. Which leaves America with only one issue to even think about, which is LAW AND ORDER!!!

Section 4. Speaking of which, and I’m gonna call a spade a SPADE here, we would already have loads of LAW AND ODOR if we could do something powerful to CONTROL all these Young Black Males wandering around free, scaring the hell out of suburban housewives and provoking peaceful, heroic, beautiful policemen into choking (metaphysically) on the putt and accidentally killing these VIOLENT, hip-hoping Young Black Males (and once in a while an exceedingly NASTY Young Black Female). But don’t worry, ’cause I know what to do.

Section 5. But first, you have to re-elect ME, okay? Not Joe Biden, who’s drooling, doddering, senile, and hymnotized by Puerto Rican Marxist sluts, okay? 

Section 6. So, anyway, over the last few months, everyone has seen clearly that we have to watch Young Black Males like a HAWK. Really!!! Or they’ll stir things up, invade the suburbs in mobs like no one has ever seen before, and then GOD HELP US!!! But we’ve also learned that the best way to flush Young Black Males out in the open where we can keep an eye on them is to chase them out of their dark shadows — even if they’re pretending to jog, sell cigarettes, or walk home from church — and then shoot, strangle, stand on them, whatever you gotta do, and make sure they’re dead, and not just paralyzed, before shoving them into a van and hauling them to the morg. (I know this sounds a little harsh, but remember that our DEMOCRACY is on the lion!!!)

Section 7. Here’s the thing, okay? When brave and heroic police strongly risk their beautiful BLUE LIVES to put down Young Black Males in the line of sacred DUTY, we’ve seen that the other Black ones get ANGRY AND VIOLENT. They burn buildings and march all over the place shouting Black Lives Matter and Defund the Police, which is bad — and SAD — in a way. But the beauty part is all this negro ruckus scares the bejesus out of white people who live, in gated safety, miles and miles away from the ghettos where we keep Young Black Males away from the nice white people who’ve been scared of Young Black Males since Lincoln emulsified ’em. Okay?

Section 8. Which is good for me, your favorite President, because fear, bless my tiny little heart, is ALL I’VE GOT.

Section 9. So, in order to strike terror into the hearts of the secretly racist and RINO Republican voters of America, be it resolved that the police department in one Democrat city, quietly designated on a leakproof weekly schedule by the White House until Election Day, will execute one innocent Young Black Man, in broad daylight, with crowds around and lots of cellphone video. (Once a week, okay? Just as things start to calm down, BOOM!!!) Ideally, this Young Black Man will have a record of minor arrests and maybe an outstanding warren or two, so that he can be blamed by your favorite President, his killers and Tucker Carlson for bringing on his own death. 

Section 11. Be it noted that I don’t like knocking off blameless Young Black Man any more than the random cops who get stuck with the dirty work. So we should stick to this once-a-week thing, right? But it’s necessary because the stakes are yuge. I can’t risk that even one white American might feel safe and secure in 2020. My people must be prostrate with racial fear. Their fear must be stoked constantly, or else, well, I could lose, and were would I be then? That son of a bitch Cyrus Vance is gonna be all over me like Oh my God! what’s that smell?

Section 12. Be it further noted that we gotta do this, guys, because the American people, as gullible and impulsive as I think they are, are not stupid enough to return to the White House a vulgar, bigoted, infantile and incompetent sociopath (me! Hi there!) unless they fear something far, far WORSE!!! They must be provided, without any subtlety or nuance, a great big horrible BOOGEYMAN!!! — better yet, an entire urban army of Young Black Boogeymen in sleeveless t-shirts, with tattoos, dreadlocks and rap sheets, carrying boomboxes playing gangster music, rampaging out of their burning ghetto and heading for Lake Forest — to fear even more. 

Section 13. So, cops of America: COME ON, GUYS!!! Do your PATRIOTIC DUTY for me, for Blue Lives and for Christianity. Go out there on petrol in the mean streets of Kenosha, Louisville, New York, Portland, Seattle, Glynn County — wherever — single out some hapless jaywalking colored fellow, turn on your body cam, force him to his knees, cuff him, make him cry for his Mama and then KAPOW!!! And for Pete’s sake, make sure you get taped in the act — from every angle. WITH AUDIO!!! Of course, then right away you have to trot out your police-union rep to accuse the dead kid of resisting arrest, being on drugs, using harsh language, pulling a knife and starting it all, because the important thing is not the life of some anonymous Young Black Male or the grieving of his family but the anger, violence, burning, looting, SOCIALIST slogans, rubber bullets, armored police vehicles, pepper spray, tear gas barrages, billy-cub beatings, vigilantes running amok, funeral speeches by Reverend Al and the sheer chaos that every pointless Black Death triggers. It’s the fear that matters. WHITE FEAR MATTERS!!! It’s all that matters — enough blind, rampant mind-numbing fear to re-elect me, your ever-lovin‘ forty-percent Commander in Chief.

Section 14. And don’t worry, guys (and gals, too). If you get charged for murdering the poor luckless basterd, it’s cool. I’ll pay your legal bills.

Section 15: Really. Honest to God. Have I ever lied to you? TRUST ME!!!