Overheard at the pinnacle of tremendousness

Overheard at the pinnacle of tremendousness
by David Benjamin

“Putin has shown the world what happens when America has weak leaders.”
— Donald Trump

One of the most shocking revelations in recent days was a leak, verified by more than 75 eager sources inside the White House, confirming that Donald Trump has taken Dick Nixon’s Oval Office taping system out of mothballs and turned it on. According to several insiders, he made this decision not for the sake of the historical record, but because “he just loves to replay the dulcet tones of his own incredibly beautiful voice.”

Just as remarkably, transcripts of recent tapes have been flowing out of the inner sanctums of the West Wing like shit through a goose. The tape below identifies the speakers only as POTUS, the GENERAL and STEVE.

POTUS: “… got that son of a bitch McKay — ”

GENERAL: “That’s McCabe, sir.”

POTUS: “Yeah. Now, how about that other son of a bitch, what’s-his-name?”

GENERAL: “Rosenstein.”

POTUS: “Yeah, is that ‘stine’ or ‘steen.’ I can’t figure that out. Y’know, the name sounds sort of Jewish. This guy a Jew?”

GENERAL: “Let’s not go there, sir.”

POTUS: “I don’t see why not, Johnny. You can’t do better than a Jew lawyer. But this one? No way. This Rosenberg’s gotta go.”

GENERAL: “Rosenstein, sir. But I have to advise you against firing him.”

POTUS: ‘Why? The guy’s crookeder than… than crooked Hillary. Don’t we have a memo about how this stinkin’ Rosenblum betrayed me? The one we got from what’s-his-name? Dave Numbnuts.”

GENERAL: “That’s Congressman Devin Nuñes, sir. Have you read his memo.”

STEVE: (Snorting with hilarity) “Read? John, it’s three pages!”

GENERAL: “Just kidding, Steve. But look, Mr. President, we think it’s not a great idea to fire Rosenstein. The popular protest would be devastating. You might even lose a Republican vote in Congress. Even two.”

POTUS: “You’re telling me I can’t fire him? You can’t do that! I’m the President and you’re not. Besides, that’s my tagline from ‘The Apprentice.’ You’re Fired! You’re FIRED, loser! Highest rated show in TV history, y’know.”

GENERAL: (Inaudible)

STEVE: “I do have a solution, sir. (Clears throat.) You should just shoot him.”

(Prolonged silence)

POTUS: “Shoot him?”

STEVE: “Of course, sir. Remember, during your wonderful campaign, that famous line about shooting somebody in the middle of Fifth Avenue — ”

POTUS: “How could I forget? What a great quote, huh? Tremendous, Beautiful. That might’ve been the greatest quote in the history — ”

GENERAL: “Sir, you’re wandering again.”

POTUS: “Huh? Whut?”

STEVE: “Sir, my point is, technically, if you had shot someone then, while you were a private citizen, that would be a crime. You might have been arrested by the New York police.”

POTUS: “Arrested? I doubt that. But even if I was, I wouldn’t have lost one voter! Besides, the police? They love me. Love me! I love them. I’m more popular with the cops than Giuliani ever was! Go ask any cop. They love me. I’m their favorite.”

STEVE: “All true, sir. But my point is that — now — you’re the President.”

POTUS: “I know that, baldy. I’m the President and you’re not. Nobody else. Just me! Not nasty Hillary. Me.”

GENERAL: “What we’re trying to say, Mr. President, is that if you fire Rosenstein, you’ll set off a political firestorm. All heck will break loose. Your very presidency could be threatened by the public outcry.”

STEVE: “On the other hand, sir — if you shoot him, it’s a win-win.”

POTUS: “A win-win?”

STEVE: “Yes sir. According to most experts on Constitutional law, the President cannot, technically, commit a crime. Shoot someone while you’re running for President, you’re a murderer. If you invite Rosenstein into your own personal Oval Office — into the presence of photographers and TV crews — and then blow the disloyal little Jew bastard to Kingdom Come with a duly registered, chrome-plated Glock 9, it’s cool. You’re entirely within your executive authority. The law can’t touch a hair on your head.”

POTUS: “Oh! You like my hair? How’s it look today?”

GENERAL: “Please, sir. Focus.”

STEVE: “Besides, sir, by getting Rosenstein out of your hair — excuse the expression — the political positives will be tremendous.

POTUS: “Tremendous. I love tremendous. I am tremendous.”

STEVE: “Uh huh. Sir, once you shoot the sneaky little turncoat, the cheers from your base will be, literally, deafening. Tremendous. All those Fox News junkies glued to their TVs will be bouncing on the couch. The white underground will light up their torches and march. Sean Hannity will postulate that if Hillary had won, she’d be locked up by now, and Rosenstein would be the guy throwing away the key.

POTUS: “Yeah, I get it. You’re saying Hillary made me do it.”

STEVE: “That’s right, sir. You pulled the trigger. But Hillary did it.”

GENERAL: “She drove you to it. You had no choice.”

POTUS: “I toldja she was crooked. Didn’t I tell ya? Crooked Hillary? She kills people, y’know. Vince Foster. John Lennon. Madonna.”

STEVE: “Madonna’s alive, sir.”

POTUS: “Have you looked at her lately?”

GENERAL: “Back to the point, sir. The NRA will be thrilled. They’ll put you on the cover of their magazine, standing over Rosenstein’s body.”

STEVE: “There will be critics, of course. The Democrats will huff and puff. The snowflakes and bleeding hearts will start raving about your strongman tendencies.”

POTUS: “But I am a strong man. Really strong. The strongest man ever — ”

STEVE: “Best of all, sir, the entire political and legal Establishment will be paralyzed, arguing endlessly — with no hope of consensus — over whether a President who publicly murders his Deputy Attorney General is above the law. They won’t know what to do.”

GENERAL: “That’s right. After all, Presidents kill people all the time. They send them to war. They order executions. What’s the diff?”

POTUS: “OK, so then, while all that’s going on, can I, like, shoot Mueller, too. I really, really hate that guy. He’s bad. He’s sad.”

STEVE: “Well, no, sir. Mueller’s the rare Washington legal eagle who seems to know his ass from his elbow. He’s been one step ahead of us all along. Also, he’s a fellow Republican.”

GENERAL: “Steve is right, sir. The Special Prosecutor is a tougher nut. Eventually, we can arrange for you to blow him away. But before we can set that up, he’ll probably issue a subpoena ordering you to testify before a grand jury.”

POTUS: “Uh oh. That’s not a win-win, is it?”

STEVE: “That’s right, sir. No flies on you.”

POTUS: “Flies? Where? I hate flies! Filthy little — ”

GENERAL: “Sir! Focus.”

POTUS: “OK, right. So what can I do? Do I have to do this grand jury thing? I really don’t like grand juries. They stare, y’know. And fidget. I hate that. What do I say?”

STEVE: “You won’t have to say anything, Mr. President.”

POTUS: “Really?”

STEVE: “Not a word, sir. John, show him.”

GENERAL: “Mr. President, this — yes, take it, sir, feel it, hold it. This is an AK-47, with a 100-round ammo clip. Now, there are 23 sitting ducks — I mean, people — in a grand jury…”