The Muslim plank

The Muslim plank
by David Benjamin

“I said the wall, and I was referring to the wall, but database is okay, and watch list is okay, and surveillance is okay… I want surveillance of these people that are coming in — the Trojan Horse — I want to know who the hell they are … I want surveillance of certain mosques.”
— Donald Trump

MADISON, Wis. — Led by Donald Trump, the Republican Party has become a nativist bastion battling the infiltration of America by border-flouting rapists and bomb-strapped martyrs. No one knows where this will lead. However, a little direction has been provided by a website — www.republicanplatform2015 — apparently affiliated with the GOP. It includes various platform planks in anticipation of the Republican National Convention next July in Cleveland.

One plank appears to be an effort to resolve — for frightened Americans — the issues of immigration, “radical Islam” and terrorism. It’s called a “Program for the Protection of the American Homeland and Our Christian Heritage.”

It reads: “Moved by the understanding that Christian-based Americanism is essential to the continued existence of the nation, and inspired by the inflexible determination to ensure the protection of the United States of America from radical Islam and other global terrorist forces united against us, the Republican Party will vigorously seek passage of the following law:

“Article 1
“1. Citizens and non-citizens of Muslim origin or associated with ethnic, religious or politico-sexual groups with any past record of terrorist jihad or public activism — herewith broadly designated as ‘Muslim/jihadist’ — must be recorded in a national registry and carry documents specifying their status. They must wear visible insignia clearly indicating that they are Muslim-jihadist suspects.

“2. Marriages between non-citizen Muslim/jihadists and U.S. citizens are forbidden. Marriages nevertheless concluded are invalid, even if concluded abroad to circumvent this law. Any offspring of such relations will be deemed illegal aliens and deported to the country of the Muslim/jihadist parent’s origin.

“3. Annulment and child deportation proceedings will be initiated by each state attorney general. All marriages between citizen Muslim/jihadists and non-Muslim-jihadist U.S. citizens will be subject to review and annulment. All Muslim/jihadist round-ups deemed necessary will be delegated to local volunteer groups.

“Article 2
“Extramarital relations between Muslim/jihadist non-citizens and U.S. citizens are forbidden. Any offspring of such relations will be deemed illegal aliens and deported to the country of the Muslim/jihadist parent’s origin.

“Article 3
“Muslims and jihad-associated individuals, both citizens and non-citizens, may not employ in their households Christian citizens of the United States who are under 45 years old, unless said employees are African-American, Mexican or homosexual.

“Article 4
“1. All those designated as Muslim/jihadists are forbidden to fly the flag of the United States of America or display on their person, in their household or at any Muslim gathering the colors and pattern of the American flag.

“2. They are, on the other hand, permitted to display Muslim, ISIS, Syrian, Communist, French, Russian or Arabian colors. The exercise of this right is protected by the Constitution and the Founding Fathers.

“Article 5
“All current Muslim-jihadist citizens belonging to suspect religious, ethnic or politico-sexual groups will be subject to a review of their citizenship. Those found insufficiently American will be either deported to the country of the family’s origin or subject to detention according to Article 6 (see below).

“Article 6
“1. Any person deemed in violation of the provisions of Articles 1-5 will be subject to detention of indeterminate length, without recourse to a trial, in the U.S. military facility at Guantánamo Bay.

“2. “When the population of the Guantánamo facility becomes sufficient, detainees will be enlisted in the construction of a ‘really great wall’ — of a height and thickness to render the nation permanently impregnable — around the entire circumference of the United States of America.

“Article 7
“The President of the United States will be required to apply these articles to other suspect or undesirable groups — ethnic, religious or politico-sexual — whenever so ordered by the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

“Article 8
“The verse inscribed on the base of the Statue of Selective Liberty will be removed and replaced by the motto: ‘Keep your huddled masses. Abandon all hope./ If you’re not white or Christian, go piss up a rope.’”