Democracy’s loss is free enterprise’s gain

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 2013
The Weekly Screed (#634)

Democracy’s loss is free enterprise’s gain

by David Benjamin

MADISON, Wis. — No one anticipated the Supreme Court’s evisceration of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 as presciently as my friend, Wilhelm “Jim Crow” Bienfang, America’s greatest “idea man.” Trusting in the Court’s right-wing majority to continue their backward march through history, Bienfang put his R&D team on overtime, devising “next-generation Election Day” products.

“These innovations,” said Bienfang, “will serve — comprehensively! — the new ‘diverse but equal’ market in those select districts where election officials don’t much like black people, students, old folks and ‘foreign-accented’ types.”

“Diverse but equal?” I said nervously. “Foreign-accented?”

Bienfang didn’t hear me. He was busy unveiling a scale-model of his most impressive invention. It was awesome.

“This is a completely prefab, portable, luxury polling place, roughly 40,000 square feet. It can be put up in less than 48 hours and it has enough booths to process 14,000 voters per hour,” bragged Bienfang.

It was a beautifully designed structure. The scale model included dozens of poll volunteers in natty blue uniforms, their little faces smiling and eager to help.

“Wow,” I said. “It’s like a World’s Fair pavilion, or the Metropolitan Opera.”

“But wait,” said Bienfang. “Here’s the best part.”

Bienfang flipped a switch and a brilliant red LED display, stretching across the length of the gorgeous polling place, flickered to life. It read:

“WHITES ONLY”

Admittedly, I was nonplussed. But I realized that this was a dream-come-true for the five segregationists on the Supreme Court. So I said, “And I suppose, right next to this building, you’ll put up a similar facility for non-whites?”

“Similar?” chuckled Bienfang. From his hip pocket, he took a soiled cocktail napkin, on which he had sketched the official Bienfang non-white polling place. It was smaller, and sprayed with obscene graffiti. Its floor space was littered with empty muscatel bottles, cigarette butts, sandwich wrappers and what looked like a dead pigeon. A hand-lettered sign duct-taped crookedly to one wall read:

“COLOREDS (also, Demikrats and others).”

“This looks,” I said, “like a bus shelter in the South Bronx.”

“Hey, good eye,” said Bienfang. “That was actually my inspiration. I wanted the colored folks and slum-dwellers to feel at home while they wait in line.”

“Colored folks?” I said.

“If operated properly,” said Bienfang, “this modest facility can easily process 500 non-white and Democratic voters in less than three days.”

“Five hundred?” I asked. “In three days?”

“Yes, but I’m afraid that, in practice, the actual numbers will be lower.”

I asked why. Bienfang patted my head. “Son, I’ve seen every new voting law drafted by the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC). All your non-white and Democrat-leaning polls will be open only on Election Day, from 10 a.m. to noon, and then 2-4 p.m. Most voters will have to wait in line more than four hours. So, you see, unless you queue up, like, the day before, you’ll never even get to see a ballot — especially if you missed the window for registration.”

“Window for registration?” I asked.

“Yes! January 1, every election year, from 10 a.m. to noon and 2-4 p.m..”

“Four hours to register? On New Year’s Day?”

“Right. So, if you miss that chance, or don’t pay the registration fee — ”

“Stop!” I said. “Registration fee?”

“Oh, sure, kid. What? You though freedom was free?”

“Actually, I did,” I said. “So, how much to vote in post-Roberts America?”

“According to ALEC, that’d be up to local officials, on a sort of ad hoc scale — based on how much they hate the blacks, browns, geezers and liberals who don’t get the hint and try to register. But the minimum? Around a hundred bucks.”

I wanted to protest this travesty but Bienfang was ahead of me. He said, “Kid, most real Americans won’t have to pay. If you’re white, most states will register you automatically at age 18, and you’ll get your free photo ID by FedEx.”

“But if you’re not?” I asked. “White, I mean.”

“Well, then it’s not gonna be so easy,” said Bienfang. “There’s no point in even trying to register unless you’ve appeared — in person, with all your papers — at the National Voter Photo ID Center (open the first Tuesday of every odd month except November). We’ll be breaking ground on that next week. Here’s a picture.”

“Oh, nice building,” I said. “Where’s it going to be?”

“Maui.”

I was tempted to suggest that the location might be a problem, but — wised up by this time — I bit my tongue. Instead, I said, “Bienfang, this is all viciously discriminatory. It brings back the worst voting abuses in U.S. history.”

“Oh, I know that, but I can only do what the market demands. I’m a businessman,” said Bienfang.
“Besides, Roberts, Alito, Kennedy, Scalia and Oreo have made one point crystal clear: From now on, the only way to fight official election fraud will be to file a lawsuit afterwards — which will be wa-ay too late.”

“So, what you’re saying is that we’ve just erased 48 years of social progress, and we’re going to have to fight for basic civil rights all over again?”

“You got it, kid. And I’m ready for that, too,” said Bienfang. “C’mere and look. This is my all-inclusive Civil Rights wholesesale equipment catalog. Nightsticks, fire hoses, tear gas, ax handles, sheets, torches, attack dogs…”

Remembering, sadly, a few words of the “I Have a Dream” speech, I sighed.

“And rope,” crowed Bienfang. “Miles and miles of rope!”